Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?