Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
CUTE CAT‼︎
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.