PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.