A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Cheers Twitter.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”