WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*