The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.