son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Breaking news:
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL