Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
You Might Also Like
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
This is my brand.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Wednesday
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No