Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.