[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.