Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm