I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
liiiiiiiiike
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.