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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you