Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You Might Also Like
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.