I bet
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you