Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU