That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
You Might Also Like
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Not now. I’m deglazing.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
i want to work in this restaurant