my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.