Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
i can’t wait that long
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I think this should do it.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”