last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
my favorite genre of twitter
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors