toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
DOOO EEEET
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers