[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
How to properly lift a body
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.