hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.