Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.