It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.