I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.