Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl