*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Not today
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes