Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
You Might Also Like
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
operators are standing by to ignore your call