My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
twitter users today:
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.