ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case