Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
sry
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Brother?