*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”