10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Just had my nails done!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Word!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Great game to play with friends
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”