Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
choose your fighter
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.