“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.