Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.