me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Don’t make me out nice you.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.