I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
yeet
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.