♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.