Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.