I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I used to be married, but I’m better now
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.