Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*