Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
This trial is so absurd 😭
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I’d … I’d rather not.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom