Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.