Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
January has been Januweary
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday