I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
🌱🌱🌱
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.