ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.