If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for