Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
🙄😏😂🤣
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.